Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood (1996)

Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood (1996)

Written By: Bob Gale, Robert Zemeckis, A L Katz, Gilbert Adler

Directed By: Gilbert Adler

Starring: Dennis Miller, Erika Eleniak, Angie Everhart, Chris Sarandon, Corey Feldman, John Kassir

Country of Origin: United States of America

The Idea:
Face it: when you’re hot, you’re hot, and when you’re Bordello of Blood, you’re definitely not. With Tales from the Crypt on seemingly its last legs on HBO and the attention of the five pioneer executive producers being harnessed by their new project, Perversions of Science, TFTC was beginning to feel like a horror afterthought. With only a handful of episodes left in its arsenal, the show was making one last gasp at staying as hip as it had been since the late 80’s. That final shot, or better yet, stab (I’m not counting puns this time), was made with the release of Tales From the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood in 1996.

First of all, you can’t simply compare this movie to its predecessor, Demon Knight. The first flick in what was scheduled to be three was a superb effort that was entrenched with a real Tales-feeling in it. Demon Knight also performed quite well as it was released on a horror weekend for films (a Friday the 13th), often recognized as a cheap ploy by movie companies to rake in more dollars. Cheap as it may be, that ploy is pivotal to the fledgling flick we have in front of us. You see, Bordello of Blood was supposed to see a release just like that. You know, around Halloween, or on one of those mystery weekends. Yet, when Universal Pictures stepped in to produce the movie, they chose to move it to the Summer of ‘96 to fill their cinematic quota. That timing, combined with a film that was, overall, not all that good, left us with a bitter taste in our mouths while watching the second big screen attempt to keep Tales from the Crypt alive.

In another somewhat original horror plot, Bordello of Blood is all about a sect of vampires that have been resurrected by a mysterious relic (the very same key from Demon Knight) to do the bidding of their master. That bidding is actually to work for the Lord Almighty and exterminate sinners at a heavenly speed. How, exactly, will these blood-sucking vermin be doing such? Why, they’ve disguised themselves as loose women with loose inhibitions in their very own brothel. I often wonder how much better the box office take would have been for this movie if they simply titled it Vampire Whorehouse.

The lead role of a washed-up detective (a type of character we will see often in b-grade horror) is played by Dennis Miller, who began his personal war with me (that he is as of yet unaware of) by attempting to insert a one-liner in every situation. Though the character is something of a lush, he does have the best intentions at heart: rescuing the brother of his newest (and sexiest) client Erika Eleniak while also diving deep into the darkness of the Bordello. In order to fully rid the society of this plague of blood-sucking (among other things, I’m sure) vixens, he’ll need the help of the preacher Jimmy Current (J.C., how clever) and a slew of others to destroy the head vampire, an especially nasty bit of crumpet named Lilith.

While the premise is a classic Crypt play on morals and values, it still seems a little far-fetched. What kind of ministry would employ the agents of Satan to further their own supposed “godly” agenda? No body of committee or government would ever hire their sworn enemy to exterminate another group in the name of a utilitarian decision, would they? Isn’t that unrealistic? Whoops, I’ve said too much.

Before I continue to take apart this movie, I should consider the pluses. Angie Everhart is delightful as Lilith, the queen bee in this vampire den. Though her role is often demanding of a very dry, deadpan style humor that can be overshadowed by sex appeal and yes, horrible fucking puns, she shines through it and easily steals the movie away from Miller and Eleniak, whose on-screen romance drags the film down like an anchor. Chris Sarandon is also the epitome of a saintly, evangelical minister when dawning the character of the Reverend J.C. His transformation from seedy preacher to bible bruiser is often hilarious given its satirical nature. And, as mentioned before, the plot of the movie is well done given all of the typical twists, turns, and moral questions raised from something with Tales from the Crypt stamped on the front cover.

But all of that simply isn’t enough to cover up for the glaring issues in Bordello of Blood. Maybe it had too much to live up to with Demon Knight, or maybe it just isn’t too terribly well executed. In fact, this is a disposable horror movie that, by the end of it, you find yourself rooting to see your protagonist Miller get killed. He’s seriously annoying, and his brand of humor would have been better presented had he been the first victim claimed. I don’t even want to bring up the evil little person in this movie, because if you’re going to watch a movie with evil people that aren’t too terribly tall, I recommend something like this, because they’re all going to be bad.


Member of the crew who should’ve been fired: Despite Dennis Miller’s incredibly annoying voice, face, jokes, and character, he’s not nearly as frustrating as Corey Feldman. Feldman, who used to be suave, cute, and productive, is none of these things as he gets a big role in yet another vampire movie. Stick to The Lost Boys, for the love of Christ.

Best Name in the Cast: And for the second film in a row, the cameo made by William Sadler as the Mummy in the opening and closing scenes of this film make it all worthwhile. Skip the 85 minutes in between (you know, the actual movie) and watch his sequences with the Cryptkeeper over and over again. Never boring.

Quote of the Film:

“Two, Four, Six, Eight! You can watch me masturbate!” -Lilith, cheering in a vision to Rafe (Dennis Miller). Just another quirky seduction of the vampire’s lust.

Final Thoughts: I mentioned previously that Universal Pictures pushed up the release date of this movie for their own personal agenda to be fulfilled. That decision caused Bordello of Blood to bomb astronomically at the box office, and plans for a third Tales film, as well perhaps a revitalization of the franchise and more TV time, were scrapped. The third film was shelved indefinitely and a fourth film, Ritual, was produced and directed straight to video with a Tales logo forcefully slapped on it, despite having nothing to do with the series or this movie. The new series, Perversions of Science, was canceled during its first production run. Tales from the Crypt ended with Season 7 on television one month prior to this movie’s release. Bordello of Blood is just average enough to make some money if it were released around Halloween or on any of the aforementioned “horror weekends,” but it’s a sub-par film to be released in the Summer, and it killed the franchise for years to come. In closing: Fuck you, Universal Pictures. Fuck you hard.
B.B.

Tales from the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight (1995)

Tales from the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight (1995)

Written By: Ethan Reiff, Cyrus Voris, and Mark Bishop

Directed By: Ernest Dickerson

Starring: Billy Zane, William Sadler, Jada Pinkett, Brenda Bakke, CCH Pounder, Thomas Haden Church

Country of Origin: United States of America

The Idea:
It isn’t hard to pinpoint the staple of my childhood bloodlust. From nearly age two, I received the honor and privilege of staying up late on the weekends to watch HBO’s original programming known as Tales from the Crypt. Somewhere during my adolescence, my parents were even kind enough to tape a six-hour Tales marathon for me that I still have in my possession. Sure, the episodes were primarily from season 3 (which explains why I know every line in that particular year of shows) and featured topics that I didn’t always understand, but I cherished them for a long, long time.

With a warm embrace, the show made the jump to the big screen in January of 1995 with the following movie, titled Tales from the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight, or just Demon Knight for short. Little did I know that at age 7, I was experiencing my favorite horror movie of all time. That’s right, I put no others in front of Demon Knight as being top of the pops in the gory genre that I review most often. In fact, it seems almost a misprint when I discuss films that don’t feature some sort of blood and guts appeal. So, in order to keep pace, I present to you one of the finest B-grade horror films ever (and also one of the most original), and not just because it was based on one of the best television shows known to man.

The place is New Mexico, and the plot is rather simplistic at first glance. Brayker, a rebel on the run, is protecting a mysterious relic that contains the power to bind and constrict the demons of the night from overtaking the realm of Earth and destroying mankind. He is pursued furiously by The Collector, a nasty minion of Satan that is (mind the pun, it is a TFTC Review) hell-bent on stealing the relic, or “key” back for the dark side. Short on time, options, and now, innocence (Brayker has caused quite an accident for the local police to clean up), our fleeting protagonist shacks up inside a rundown roach motel with several others who are typical residents. Turns out Brayker is going to get these folks into more trouble than they bargained for as the Collector shows up and all hell (Pun #2) breaks loose, beginning with a fist through the face of the Sherriff of this crummy little town.

Put your mind at ease, Dear Reader, because if all of these shenanigans seem to be too far fetched, then you’re in for a real surprise. While most of the early scenes in this movie are used to build characters and side-plots (a rarity in the horror business), they also mount the tension behind the whereabouts of this key and the protection Brayker is trying to provide. Yes, this is a story about death and demons, but its also a story about everyday people allowing their defenses to be lowered and their vulnerability to consume and corrupt them. We’ll get to that in more detail in a little bit.

For now, we return to the basics, as a fed up Collector takes out his rage by unleashing demons to take the house from the humans. While the characters survive the initial onslaught, the Collector is a crafty veteran that utilizes the art of seduction to get what he wants. Played aptly by Billy Zane, he uses a soft whisper to indulge in carnal desire with the characters inside the building, and though he himself cannot enter (due to a blood seal placed around the complex), he manages to find a way in by stealing the souls of the enchanted. This is where things take a turn for the worst, as some of the characters begin to die off in nasty ways, and others find themselves risking (and losing) life and limb to escape the clutches of the demons that are now polluting the house. While Wally, a former mail clerk is the first to be eliminated, Irene, the desk assistant for this rented out apartment complex takes it the worst. She has her arm ripped right out of socket and proceeds to go the remainder of the film with half an arm. Let’s give her a hand for that (Pun #3).

As Demon Knight continues, so does an ongoing story about the origin of the key, demons, and conflict taking place in real time. Turns out, this isn’t your typical demon possession movie (take that Night of the Demons). These demons have been scouring the Earth since Genesis in search of seven keys that, when formed in a circle, bring back the darkness of the universe and their reign of evil. While we learn of the descendants of this, the last remaining heavenly key, we are also exposed to more religious allegory than most films, not just horror, will ever provide.

This is where Demon Knight really excels, by providing the audience with an easy to follow yet incredibly immersive back story that, while a bit far-fetched, fit’s the story perfectly. While very few people will point to this film as a prime example of what a truly creepy horror movie should be, I’ll stand up and proudly exclaim that your movie is only as good as the history behind it. When I encourage you to watch a movie, I attempt to avoid the spoilage of the climax and ending. Trust that I will again be doing that for this movie, as I don’t want to lose my head (Pun #4, related to the Cryptkeeper) by going overboard in this review.


Member of the crew who should’ve been fired: I previously mentioned a character named Wally in this review. Well, if you’re unfamiliar with the work of Charles Fleischer before his portrayal of Wally Enfield, failed postal worker in this movie, then listen up. He voiced Roger Rabbit and Benny the Cab in Who Framed Roger Rabbit less than a decade earlier. While most people would call that versatile, I feel that Fleischer sold himself short by accepting the role of a bumbling fool who you are happy to see bite it early on.

Best Name in the Cast: Not surprisingly, the winner is William Sadler, who, as of press time, has appeared in more episodes of Tales from the Crypt than any other player that was not a regular (John Kassir). He was in the very first episode, The Man Who Was Death, as well as an appearance as Death (of Bill & Ted fame) in a later season. Talk about a guy who’s dying to stay with the show (Pun #5). Sadler narrowly won the category of the Patron Saint of B-Movies, Dick Miller.

Quote of the Film:

“God Damn it, get that pussy off the table! …I meant the cat.” -Irene, mistakenly addressing the neighborhood bicycle Cordelia.

Final Thoughts: I’ve been pretty generous to my favorite horror movie of all time, which is not surprising in the least. Demon Knight is not without its flaws, but it doesn’t have too many for the standard horror film made in 1995. In fact, if you ever want a thought-provoking original story that has just enough gore, violence, and yes, that tricky bastard religion spliced in, then you should look no further than this Tales-produced gem. The finished product might seem corny in hindsight, but that won’t stop you from keeping your own pun count with all the deadpan delivery that Demon Knight distributes.
B.B.

Zombi: Dawn of the Dead (1978)

Zombi: Dawn of the Dead (1978)

Written By: George A. Romero

Directed By: George A. Romero

Starring: David Emge, Ken Foree, Scott H. Reiniger, Gaylen Ross

Country of Origin: United States of America (as presented to an Italian audience)

The Idea:
Now hold on just one minute. How can someone claiming to be an enthusiast of b-movie schlock possibly review a movie like Dawn of the Dead? After all, it is the second in the line of quintessential living dead films from George A. Romero, and furthermore, it remains one of the most popular horror films of all time amongst critics and fans. It also happens to be the masterpiece of special effects cinema as present by King of Gore Tom Savini, so again, we must ask, how can you do this film justice by reviewing it, or even discussing it in the same disappointed breath as movies like Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things?

Well, folks, the truth of the matter is that I can’t review Dawn of the Dead. Nothing I could say about the movie would give you any new insight that you didn’t discover on your own. But, as a technical loophole, I am at liberty to discuss with you the Italian cut of the film, as presented internationally by Dario Argento. You see, by all logic, even though the characters and plot are the same, the film Zombi: Dawn of the Dead (English translation) is far different from the 1978 masterpiece of Romero.

Let’s start with the important things first: when the original Dawn premiered in the United States, it was a critical success and George Romero had himself another winner for the genre. The movie quickly gained cult status, and why wouldn’t it? It is outstanding, and frankly speaking, in a league of its own in regards to zombie pictures. What the original Dawn of the Dead offers to audiences is more than just gore and brutality. Oh sure, there is plenty of that to go around as Tom Savini could show you (and did) on the screen. After all, Savini was quickly hired to work on Friday the 13th following his triumph in Romeroland. But the movie was so much more than that. It was an epic work of art that provoked the cerebral cortex almost as much as the gag reflex. George A. Romero challenged audiences to think about a post-apocalyptic society with commentary leaps and bounds ahead of its time. Romero set the standard for films after this by doing one incredibly important thing: he created a zombie movie that wasn’t about zombies.

Fast forward to nearly nine months later, and we have the Italian (and pretty much every foreign country) release of Zombi: Dawn of the Dead from Dario Argento. Argento was no stranger to horror himself. Having mastered his craft in films like the ever-so-creepy Suspiria and lesser-known Tenebre, Argento understood how to get to the international audience. When he took the helm for this project, he would revolutionize Euro Horror (or EuroShock) in ways that no one could ever have anticipated. It is for this reason that we are documenting this movie and showing up all film students around the world. So now, without further ado, we stop all this flogging and make with a review.

Zombi: Dawn of the Dead is essentially the same story you’ve heard about before. As a sequel to Night of the Living Dead, Dawn picks up in a world of chaos. Local TV stations (centralized this time in the Northeast) are running low on both time and resources as the plague spreads further and faster. Francine is our first major player, and she’s attempting to flee the town just as quickly as everyone else. She’ll meet up with her helicopter pilot (how fortunate) of a boyfriend Steven quite soon. Meanwhile, just across town, military reinforcements have been sent to break up a complex of militant immigrants and have been given orders to destroy any in their paths. That train is quickly derailed when many of the illegal residents are themselves already among the dead. Here we are introduced to SWAT team members Roger and Peter, each of which worked for different units on the building and are now more or less “all alone.” They decide to join forces and know of a plot to leave town using the air as their playground. That’s right, they’ll be meeting up with Francine and Steven as soon as possible.

Right about now, I could speak to you at great length about the importance of Peter, an African-American character played aptly by Ken Foree. Though Foree is best known nowadays for cameos in numerous horror films (including this remake), he helped to redefine film schema by playing a black protagonist, as was common from George Romero at the time. Though he claims it was unintentional to cause such a splash in Night, Romero more than likely made Peter the strongest character in this movie as another subtext of the overall plot. Black or white, Peter is the most intelligent and relatable character in the whole movie.

As time passes, our heroes find themselves low on fuel and patience until they stumble upon a seemingly deserted shopping mall. Left with little options elsewhere, they decide to overtake the complex and stowaway until they can formulate a bigger plan (or until our fantastic government finally makes a breakthrough). While they do find serenity for a long while in the mall, all good things must come to an end, and they do. One by one, the characters find themselves in hardly favorable situations and motorcycle renegades, along with ever multiplying hoards of the living dead take back the city. Eventually, the surviving protagonists (which I will attempt to save so as not to spoil anything) must decide whether or not they should stay or seek their fortunes elsewhere.

Now that we’ve gotten all that out of the way, its time to understand just what makes this a different movie. Well, from the very start, Argento removes much of the playful banter and dialogue amongst characters in order to build a faster-paced, action-oriented flick. Character progression and background is sacrificed in short order for balls-to-the-wall action and suspense. In fact, by handling many of these situations in the film like this, any and all societal conflict that Romero intentionally wrote into his script has been erased. In its place is a movie that shoots from the hip at all times.

The movie is also bolstered (as most media is) by additional music from the band Goblin, and while this soundtrack is hailed to be one of the greatest of all time, it is often far too righteous for the events on the screen and can be overwhelming or even inappropriate in certain areas (not to mention it has dated horribly after 30 years). Gone is much of the dark, cheeky humor that kept Dawn of the Dead at the top of the political food chain for its message and statement. In its place is, well, really nothing replaced those elements of the story. There are a few extra scenes of gore (that were not passable in the US) that help to showcase what a master magician Tom Savini is, but nothing concrete past that.

Perhaps the most glaring evidence of these omissions from the film occurs after it is all over. Rather than see the US ending, in which the zombies skitter about the mall to the hilariously understated song “The Gonk,” we get nothing but a black screen with blaring rock music and the closing credits. What a jip.



Member of the crew who should’ve been fired: Though its hard to pick just one name out of the hat for such a masterpiece, the winner, without a doubt, is the editor of this version, Dario Argento. Several times writer and director George A. Romero stated that he believed Argento just “didn’t get” the concept of the movie, hence all of the re-cuts that eliminated any message the film was trying to send other than “here ya go, zombies eat people’s insides. Much fun.”

Best Name in the Cast: Not only was Tom Savini the incredible wizard behind makeup and special effects, he also managed to cast himself as a machete-wielding biker on a tear to make the civilian’s (most notably Peter’s) lives a living hell. And hey, if that isn’t enough supremacy for you, he even reappears over 20 years later in Land of the Dead as the same guy!

Quote of the Film:

“This isn't the Republicans versus the Democrats, where we're in a hole economically or... or we're in another war. This is more crucial than that. This is down to the line, folks, this is down to the line. There can be no more divisions among the living!” -Dr. Millard Rausch, establishing a fundamental assessment that everyone can certainly understand. Though this line was on the cutting room floor in different versions, it holds too much pertinence for me to look away.

Final Thoughts: When Dawn of the Dead came out it was a masterpiece of modern horror and managed to stand the test of time years later. It was revolutionary to American cinema from both a filmmaking and a film watching perspective. However, when Zombi: Dawn of the Dead was released to the international market, it created a completely different kind of revolution. Up until its release, European horror directors, particularly those in Italy, were virtually unaware of the zombie genre and would never stab at a quick buck for one of these films. Though it broke the mold for European horror as well, this “re-imaging” of Dawn served as an unattainable prototype for years to come as wave after wave of terrible Italian horror schlock followed its release. Nobody ever came close to recapturing the original charm or action of Dawn, but damn it all to hell if that didn’t stop them from trying year after year. In the future, I’ll be discussing several of these European flicks for their downright awfulness, and its all because they were created by students of the game who admired what they saw in Zombi: Dawn of the Dead, even if what they saw was a complete misinterpretation. So for all you film students out there now, think twice (or three times) before you get on your soapboxes and act as almighty priests. You may want to be a household name, but so is shit, and it stinks when you don’t flush it either.
B.B.

Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988)

Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988)

Written By: Fritz Gordon

Directed By: Michael A. Simpson

Starring: Pamela Springsteen, Renee Estevez, Brian Patrick Clarke, Walter Gotell

Country of Origin: United States of America

The Idea:
In the brief time that has passed since my review of the original Sleepaway Camp, the movie has grown on me rapidly and given me a far different perspective of the genre it was infringing on upon its creation. Sleepaway Camp is, mind the pun, “campy,” and serves as great horror schlock that allows for you and yours to create your own serious of hilarious in-jokes. Right now, I could peer at a complete stranger, and then, upon examination, turn back to my friends and simply say “man, oh man!” Within moments they would connect that to Sleepaway Camp and understand I was referring to the size of that stranger’s breasts. Fun, huh?

When the time finally came to sit down and watch Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers, expectations ran much higher than they had for the first film. And even though the sequel can’t compare to the original in any form whatsoever, it maintains a lot of the spirit of the original film throughout its horrible acting, bad dialogue, and questionable “camp” experience. I have never been so thankful to have missed out on summer camp as I was when I watch these movies.

A little history lesson to set the scene: Angela Baker is now something of legend and Camp Arawak is long forgotten. If you’re unfamiliar with all of this, brush up by reading the original review. Anyway, we’ve reconvened at Camp Rolling Hills, where the story of Angela Baker has been passed around from person to person as a campfire tale. However, nobody seems to put the simplest of concepts together when their “letter-of-the-law” counselor Angela tells them to stop telling ghost stories. Yep, she’s the same one, but none of them are bright enough to solve the mystery.

In all fairness, that isn’t even the most mind-boggling storyline in the first 15 minutes. You see, the story seems to relay the message that despite killing dozens of people, Angela, then a minor, was sent to years of psychotherapy where she received a full-blown sex change (making her hoo-hoo dilly into a cha-cha) and was then released. Even OJ couldn’t have gotten away that easy, but I digress.

After setting all of these wonderful guidelines down for the innocent and often assumed moronic viewer, the film moves rapidly (just under 80 minutes) with Angela offing each camper for their various indiscretions, all the time maintaining that they violated some sort of camp rule and had to promptly be sent home. This is the film’s strongest point, and probably only strong point thus far. One of the most redeeming factors of the Sleepaway Camp series is the innovative and often uncomfortable methods of murder. Whereas characters met their demise with curling irons and beehives in movie one, movie two executes the use of a power drill, barbecue grill, and, lest we forget, a port-o-potty. In one of the silliest and by far worst scenes in slasher history, Angela stuffs a female camper into the inner sanctum of defecation and begins to prod at her until she is consumed by gallons and gallons of shit. Often times, I have stopped in these reviews by concepts I find to be stifling in their nature, but even I don’t know how to explain what the writer, director, and actors were thinking when they determined that this sequence, in total a good 5 minutes, needed to be kept in the film. Sometimes, I wish Angela would just use a machete to give a sense of tradition.

The other all-powering factor of this series is that few, if any of the main characters are redeeming. You really, really want Angela to win by film’s end. Sure, there’s a romance blooming between two characters who we could almost root for and our muscle-crotch counselor has been replaced by a mullet-sporting douche bag, but beyond those characters, the rest are faceless drones who occasionally flash some tits or ogle some tits. The first film had zero incidences of nudity. This one had at least twelve. It just goes to show that the ability of sequels to match their predecessors often fall on deaf ears when they fall backwards on old staples like exposed bosoms.


Member of the crew who should’ve been fired: Now would be a very good time to blame Stan Wakefield, Jerry Silva, and Michael A. Simpson, the executive producer and producers, respectively, for presenting this movie as a “fun” horror film. If you’ve watched any of the trailers for Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers, you’re well aware that all of the serious tone of the original has been removed in order to give it the sleek new look of the 1980’s, complete with nudity (again) and upbeat synth-pop. I wonder why the original creators of Sleepaway Camp refuse to acknowledge this in their canon.

Best Name in the Cast: I’ve never had a harder choice in this department, but when both Emilio Estevez’s sister and Bruce Springsteen’s sister star in one movie, you know you’ve got a real noodle-scratcher. In an effort to be objective, the nod goes to Pamela Springsteen, who did one other film of note after this one: Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland. Oh yes, its coming soon.

Quote of the Film:

“Listen, you don't have AIDS or anything, do you?” -Ally, the titanic twat after sex with an underdeveloped young man. Mother fucking genius.

Final Thoughts: While scoping out films in my local DVD store, I stumbled across a copy of the aforementioned Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland, and I was giddy to watch. Why? Because even though these films range from moderate to atrocious, they are all incredibly entertaining and hold enough esteem in the dignity department to keep me interested. That, and there’s only three of them. It’s not like I’m buying 11 films about a hockey-mask wearing monster. Just three about a trans-gendered hotness with a hard-on for killing.
B.B.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

Written By: Brent V. Friedman & Bryce Zabel (Screenplay), John Tobias & Ed Boon (Characters)

Directed By: John R. Leonetti

Starring: Robin Shou, Talisa Soto, Irina Pantaeva, James Remar

Country of Origin: United States of America

The Idea:
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation sucks out loud. I feel it is only necessary to explain in the very first paragraph of this entire review that this sequel to a video game movie is one of the worst examples of film making in history. The acting is terrible, the stunts are pretty awful, and just the general filmmaking techniques are stale, repetitive, and, to be honest, fucking nauseating. If this movie were a baby, the mother would have aborted it long before the birthing process began. All this aside (and that’s a lot to put aside), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation is still highly entertaining due mostly to its incredible awfulness.

The film picks up where the first one left off, but this time, the majority of the cast (save for Robin Shou and Talisa Soto) has been recast in an effort to cut costs. Make a note of that, it won’t be the first cost cutting measure we experience. Hitting the ground running, MK:A makes quick work of Johnny Cage as the movie’s first casualty while his friends literally stand by and watch the newly re-uh, reincarnated (?) Emperor Shao Kahn reign down hellfire and brimstone upon Earth. As Raiden (now James Remar) rapidly explains (and again, I do mean rapidly, this plot moves faster than the bowels of Professor Farnsworth), the realms are merging despite Liu Kang’s victory in the tournament in the first film. I state this now for future reference: in order to even halfway understand this clusterfuck, you will have had to watch the first Mortal Kombat.

The following 90 minutes that you, me, and every other hapless sap watching this movie are spent questioning exactly why we watch in the first place. For the second time in as many movies, we utilize a rapid transit wormhole to get around from realm to realm, which officially makes this my second bowel movement joke in as many graphs. I may want to consider slowing down. God damn it, I miss Goro.

Shao Kahn’s reemergence is seen as a major threat by the Elder Gods, even though his father and former Elder Shinnok has helped him rebuild his empire. Kahn (whose costume is way off from the game mind you, Kahn was never a baldy), plans to take down all of the human fighters, and he’s using Sindel, Kitana’s mother, to do it. Seems simple enough. On his side are generals and extermination squads, each of which is led by another familiar MK character. Why look: Motaro, Sheeva, Ermac, and yes, Rain all help to pioneer this hostile takeover. Too bad Kahn is merciless, as Rain lasts all of three lines before Kahn hammers him into a fiery pit of despair.

Meanwhile, back in, uh, some realm, Liu Kang is searching for Nightwolf to channel his “Animality” so he can fight Kahn and his armies and reacquire Kitana (who was captured by Scorpion after a battle with Sub-Zero and cyber-ninja Smoke), and of course, save the world. Liu is intercepted by Jade, a traitorous ninja out for trouble. However, she is of some use when Liu meets back up with Raiden (now a mortal fighter), Sonya Blade, and Jax, all of whom had just escaped Mileena and another cyber-ninja, Cyrax.

Having trouble keeping up? Good. You should be completely lost by this point and you likely have also lost three-dozen brain cells in the process. The fact of the matter is this: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation sacrificed any shred of plot, dialogue, acting, and dignity it garnered in the first movie and instead overloaded the film with every character to that time and fight scenes that were often dull and repetitive. Stop me if I neglected to mention Baraka’s three minute fight, or the fact that Stryker and Kabal were killed before the movie started, making them so insignificant they don’t even get screen time. Even Noob Saibot has a walk on appearance (and unfortunately, he doesn’t do something characteristic of a real Noob).

Eventually, the “real” plot of the film becomes evident as Raiden professes teamwork and communication over strength and force. And hey, that’s pretty much how good defeats evil in this sequel. We learn that its all about teamwork, communication, and Liu Kang’s ability to transform into a giant, hideous dragon to take down the Emperor. I may have neglected to mention that, but if you’re like me, once you saw yet another poor special effect (only about number 3,578 to that point in the movie) you simply threw your remote in the air and waited for it to concuss this film out of your memory. Feel your Animality!


Member of the crew that should’ve been fired: How about the film editor, director of photography, producer, and anyone else involved with the final cut of this movie. In a sequence that best exemplifies why they sucked at their jobs so much, Rain is disposed of in a nasty fashion when Shao Kahn “hammers” him into a fire pit. Later in the film, Baraka, an ugly, clawed character finds himself falling off of a chain and into the same fire pit. Guess what? Despite huge differences in costuming and appearance, the same clip of this death is shown for both guys. Like anyone (read: everyone) would notice.

Best Name in the Cast: James Remar is definitely the best name in the cast, this despite his horrible portrayal of Raiden. Just once I wished he channeled the spirit of his long departed character in The Warriors and exclaimed at Liu Kang: “Dammit, Liu! You’re all acting like a bunch of faggots!”

Quote of the Film:

“SUCKERS!!!” -Scorpion, because, come on, it’s Scorpion.

Final Thoughts: How is it all entertaining? Well, within all of the fighting, plot holes, and continuity errors, this movie serves as a wonderful example of how NOT to make a cinematic masterpiece. Let it be a lesson to all you young up and comers out there that if you want to create something people will remember for years to come, make sure its for the right reasons. Thank God I’m a Mortal Kombat enthusiast, because if I hadn’t been, I wouldn’t be able to relay this message to you. I’d simply sit here, and review a movie that had way too many characters, errors, and CGI malfunctions. Oh wait, I just did that. Whoops.
B.B.

Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997)

Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997)

Written By: Dennis Pratt

Directed By: Brian Trenchard-Smith

Starring: Brent Jasmer, Debbe Dunning, Wawrick Davis

Country of Origin: United States of America

The Idea:
Don’t even think twice about how this makes it into sequel month. I know you might be saying: “Well I never saw the first three Leprechaun films, so how will I know what’s going on?” Allow me to give you a little bit of advice: I DID see the first three Leprechaun movies, and I STILL don’t know what the fuck to make of Leprechaun 4: In Space, a movie so awful that it defies necessity for the first three films in this lackluster series about an evil little golden fiend.

Rather than waste your time (and mine, frankly) on explaining the legacy of the Leprechaun, I’m just going to get right down to it. The movie starts with (as John LaBarbera dubbed them) Space Marines on a search and destroy mission for the evil Leprechaun who has captured an alien princess while in search of his gold. The Space Marines are led Major Metal Head Hooker, whose sole purpose in this film, other than to have a metal plate where his brain should be, is to perform the most unintentional comic relief in any movie in this series. All these folks are trying to rescue the Princess Zarina, who is considering a marriage proposal from the Leprechaun given that he has money, and, as best we can tell, a steady job (killing and rhyming counts, right?). But, if I forgot to mention it, the Space Marines are also working for a lab scientist known as Dr. Mittenhand, whose first appearance in the film is as a disembodied head. He’s actually part robot as well (why is the future always about fucking robots) and he later turns into a giant spider. Any questions thus far? I didn’t think so.

Once the first of what is many showdowns occurs, the Marines score a victory and blow Leprechaun to bits. They take an indisposed Princess Zarina onboard their spacecraft for “further examination,” but not before one of the lunk-heads begins to urinate on Leprechaun’s body. Taking revenge (sort of), Leprechaun beams his life force into the Marine’s dick and doesn’t reappear until that Marine is going to get down and dirty, and he suffers death from, well, a Leprechaun emerging from his schlong. Now that has to be one of the worst ways to go: your penis sprouts a little man determined to kill you AND steal your wallet. Interesting role reversal considering most things that shoot out of cocks give life, not take it away.

It doesn’t take long for us to understand that the only compotent soldiers on this vessel are Sticks (Miguel A. Nunez, Jr. from The Return of the Living Dead), Staff Sergeant Brooks Malloy and his love interest, Dr. Tina Reeves. Luckily, love, among other things, are not allowed to blossom so freely as complete and utter mayhem ensue. Zarina is awaking from her slumber to find an equally seedy character at her side, as it appears that Dr. Mittenhand wants to use her scar tissue for its incredibly fast regenerating power. Did I not mention that before? That’s because it’s the first time it was mentioned in the film. You know, you’ve got 90 minutes, you could take time to explain things if you really wanted to.

Our cast spends most of the remainder of this movie finding new and interesting ways to get killed. One crew member has his radioactive suit slashed open in a radioactive waste area, leading to the world’s scariest flesh-eating bacteria killing you in less than 15 seconds. Another crew member attempts to negotiate with Leprechaun while he sings “Danny Boy.” His fate is underneath a giant Lego piece. Even the females are shown no mercy, as one is plunged to a death scene that would make Boris Karloff in The Ape (1940) blush. Life can’t get much worse for the majority of the characters in this movie, considering that they’re all bound to die in an often gruesome and comical fashion.

However, there are some characters in this movie that find themselves in a fate worse than death before, well, impending doom. I’ve already told you about Mittenhand’s astoundingly pointless transformation into Mittenspider, but I may not have told you about Metal Head’s reincarnation. When Zarina reunites with the Leprechaun as a deadly duo, she promises them a death sentence, which, on her home planet, is indicative of a showing of her fun bags. Soon after, Metal Head is reprogrammed to work for the despicable duo as a cross-dressing, nunchuck-wielding maniac with a penchant for disco dancing. Sometimes, I wish I could be this creative. I mean really, did someone throw darts at a board of concepts and determine to write it into the script.

Eventually (and I do mean very, very eventually), the three aforementioned characters and even Zarina unite against Leprechaun in an effort to stop the blasphemy and madness (and SPARTA) that he spreads. Their plan was to blow him up, but it backfires from the start as he becomes a huge, barely mobile menace. Luckily for them, he’s also comfortably near a blast hatch that sends him exploding into space. The final sequence of the movie shows a giant middle finger (pre-Mooninites) disrespecting the surviving Space Marines. Charming, really.


Member of the crew who should’ve been fired:
Guy Siner, the incredibly disturbing mind behind the character Dr. Mittenhand (Mittenspider as well) has got to be performing for less dollars than he has hair on his head (read: he’s bald). Siner drifts from creepy to comical with an electrical range of 1.21 giga watts, and not once do we even care about his fate. In fact, I’d like nothing more than to sock him in his melon fucking head for being such a total and complete waste of reels.

Best Name in the Cast:
Like with all Leprechaun films, Warwick Davis might be the only reason we watch these steaming piles of manure. His soliloquies, rhyming, and general glee for playing such a bizarre, tiny little character with big aspirations would make any “little man” story seem like a giant undertaking. That, and he was an Ewok. Don’t fuck with the Ewoks.

Quote of the Film:

“And what part of her anatomy is she gonna kill me with?” -Sticks, in response to being handed an alien death sentence that involved the showing of breasts.

Final Thoughts:
Ridiculous. It’s the one word I’ve avoided using for this entire review, but that is exactly what this flick is. It is without a doubt one of the, if not the most ridiculous films in the history of cinema and may well be a collector’s item in any movie enthusiast’s collection. If you don’t believe me, let’s just review: we’ve got a leprechaun, space marines, a giant robotic scientist who morphs into a giant cyborg-spider, exploding dicks, a leprechaun-based safety video, flesh-eating bacteria so powerful that it reduces you to a bag of bones in less than 15 seconds, every sound effect from the Doom video game series, alien boobs, a cross-dressing metal-plated marine, and more jokes about dicks than the average dick joke loving human being can withstand. Even the name of the film, Leprechaun 4: In Space, makes me throw up my hands and say “What the fuck?” Was the colon necessary? Would anyone have thought the less of this movie if the “In Space” part was left out? Who will think of the children? Won’t somebody please think of the children!
B.B.

Night of the Demons 2 (1994)

Night of the Demons 2 (1994)

Written By: Joe Augustyn

Directed By: Brian Trenchard-Smith

Starring: Bobby Jacoby, Amelia Kinkade, Zoe Trilling

Country of Origin: United States of America

The Idea:
For what its worth, I love Night of the Demons. The campy nature of the film mixed in with all of the 80’s horror schlock surrounding it made it something quite unique. It managed to avoid being the “same old shit” style of film, and instead created its own tier of film that had seemingly not been duplicated: until Night of the Demons 2 graced the silver screens. Written by Joe Augustyn yet again, the second installment in the Angela saga (do I have a fixation on the name Angela or what?) provides us with a great back story on the whole demonic house idea and also gives us a great body count with some terribly funny, if unintentional moments.

We pick up in a non-descript catholic coed school that happens to house numerous young (though they look about thirty), vivacious teens, all of which know far too much about the story of Hull House. This school, run by Father Bob and the world’s most awesome nun, Sister Gloria, is about to have a wonderful little school dance. Can you guess where this whole shindig is headed? I bet you could, given that this film seems to be following in the footsteps of the original perfectly. However, there is one glaring difference: our story now include Melissa, dubiously nicknamed Mouse, a girl at this wonderful private school for the troubled who just so happens to be Angela’s sister. She’s having nightmares, but given the kind of shit she puts up with during the day, I’d pray for awful fucking nightmares, too.

All of the kids, with very, very few, exceptions, are assholes. In fact, if you had to pick a protagonist, you’d be safe to stick with Mouse and damn the rest from the start. Perhaps only Sister Gloria, who, if I neglected to mention it, wields a yardstick like a broadsword, is as worthy of absolution in this peach of a plot. We have a couple of girls who clearly are better developed than most 18-year olds, plus a couple of guys who have subscriptions to Bigguns magazine. Then, if that’s not enough, there’s a nerdy little henchman who is way too into the idea of satanic ritual. If they ended the movie by blowing the fucking school up, they might be making a utilitarian decision.

Back to the movie, which, by this point, is about to breakout into total anarchy. Poindexter (actual name Perry) has decided to channel the spirit of Angela with a satanic ritual of his own, and sure enough, it works. And, sure enough, as if life wasn’t a bucket of shit already, they’re all going to party at Hull House, where, as you’re already well aware, Angela will be waiting for them. They’ll also be abducting Mouse to conduct some sick experiments. If anything, the biggest problem this movie has is being a carbon copy of Night of the Demons. Sure, Augustyn decided to write the sequel, but it looks like all he did was write in one extra character, change the setting, and apply the same premise. I could go on forever drawing comparisons, but hey, I’ve got bigger fish to fry, like actually giving you some character names.

So, here’s the deal: Bibi (redhead) and Johnny sneak of to do each other while Kurt and Terri also explore…uh…each other. Then there’s Shirley, who has recruited two seedy looking characters to help her begin a sacrificial service on Mouse. After a joke gone wrong, we’ve got a large enough body count to finally progress to the one part of this series of movies that make them truly worthwhile: the killing! Truth be told, as sick as that sounds, the murder sequences in this movie make it a truly awesome experience due to their unique, and often depraved execution. In one sequence, a tube of lipstick forms a very phallic little snake that crawls into one of the victims, and then, if that’s not bad enough, we have breasts that morph into skin-dissolving tyrants. That’s right, Possessed Demon Titties. One More Time: POSSESSED DEMON TITTIES! There is a reason these pictures have a cult following.

Anyway, the carnage has made its way out of Hull House and back to the catholic school where several new demons go on a rampage to decimate everyone, including schmucky Father Bob, who gets the big cheer of the evening for having finally been eliminated. Luckily, just when things look their worst, Sister Gloria returns to save the day! But, it’s not just Sister Gloria, it’s a Kung-Fu black belt version of Sister Gloria that comes with a decoy removable head and a lasso necklace! Seriously, this might be one of the most incredible nuns, if not THE most incredible nun in cinema history. Her fight sequences alone make Night of the Demons 2 a worthwhile experience.

One other thing of note before I wrap all this up, is the just plain underhanded use of sexual…ANYTHING in this movie. Demon jugs, a cock shaped, beef jerky looking lipstick demon, and even, yes, demon sex and demon masturbation. Smut films aren’t usually this obvious or, hell, this smutty. If at any point you feel like you’re watching soft core cinema, then you might be right. It looks like good ol’ Joe and the rest of the crew gave up during the writing process and settled for as many blunt instruments as they could fit into a small space (that’s what she said). Things just degenerate in the film from this point, showing the weakness of this sequel as compared to the original. You know how it ends, so I’ll just leave it at a dick joke for now.

Member of the Crew who should’ve been fired:
Without a doubt, the hype surrounding the character Shirley, and the actress playing her, Zoe Trilling, is just that: hype. Trilling fails at acting, dancing, speaking in one accent, and appearing even slightly youthful. I know I’m critical, but all I ever hear about is how Zoe Trilling stole the movie. I pose this question: Did you watch it?

Best Name in the Cast:
Christine Taylor, who, while playing uber-bitch Terri during this movie, went on to bigger and better things as a regular in several of the Frat Pack movies. Oh, and in case I forgot, she’s also been immortalized as Marcia Brady. Totally awesome.

Quote of the Film:

“A kiss is a sin when it is an upper persuasion for a lower invasion.” -Sister Gloria, Teacher of the Year.

Final Thoughts:
What do people really look for in sequels? Do they want to see something that is better, or exceeds the original? Or, more likely in the horror genre, are they looking for the same old song and dance with a new crew to mutilate? I’ll take the latter, and accept that while Night of the Demons 2 is just a more pornographic version of Night of the Demons, it still manages to deliver enough flat out stupidity to live up to the Angela-namesake. I’ve recently discovered that Night of the Demons is getting remade. To anyone thinking this is a good idea, I hope a tube of lipstick rapes you in your sleep while large melons singe off your eyebrows. Pleasant Dreams!
-B.B.